I’ve eaten early - cos’ I had stuff to do later tonight, which means I’ll need to eat dinner early too. Except about now I feel really full.​ This sounds pathetic - but it’s really preying on my mind. I expect more of myself - like I should just make a fucking decision!

​I wonder if I have a bad attitude to sacrifice? But then I’ve planned the day - I planned it last night - so that this should make sense! Should be easy! And I resent it being difficult.  

I find myself dithering at a cross-roads - literally. I stand on a pavement taking half-steps in different directions, cross thinking myself before I’ve made a full stride; unable to decide where I’m going, until, exasperated with my ineptitude I dart into the nearest cafe and sit, and hope... and, trying to stop my thoughts, I draw...

My thoughts settle. I did think about going carbless - which might be less filling, but two things - well three things mean that’s a bad idea. The best reason is that, as I’m going to be doing stuff - walking, standing, maybe talking, I need to make sure I have enough carbs to stop me dropping too low through the evening. Then there’s the fact I’d quite like to have a drink or two - which again means I should make sure I have ‘carbed up’ so the alcohol drop doesn’t affect me so much.

But the third reason is much more irrational... In truth, carbless - taking no insulin, scares me. I don’t believe my body has my best interests at heart, like its waiting for me to fall into its trap. A bit like I felt learning to ride a bike when the stabilisers are taken off! I’ve done it once or twice - but normally when other people are with me... y’know - just in case. 

And it worked, the drawing, the writing... things slow for a moment. I order a coffee, then a sandwich,  and a drink. I eat, I post and I’m off.